I don't know why today feels more different than any other day. Maybe it's because my insides are on fire and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because after weeks of anticipation I finally gave in and looked up my ACT score online. Maybe it's because I did a lot worse than I expected. I remember feeling after the test that I could take on the entire world because I [thought I] did so well. Maybe I should have studied more. I can really say that about everything, but especially this. It doesn't make sense. I studied as much as I could cram into my brain over a month's time, and I still didn't do well at all. I feel like my nightmare score of 18 really came to be. 26 isn't much better. And I thought I rocked it. I suppose either I can accept it or continue to whine about it until I take it again.While I only have three passwords, I have a plethora of user names to try and keep straight. This wouldn't be so bad if I had them all written somewhere and not floating around in my jelly filled brain. It's bad enough knowing that I'm stupid most of the time, but for an unbiased website to scream it at me just reiterates it ten thousand stars over. How am I supposed to get into medical school if I can't even keep my head aligned?
All else seems to be crashing today. Yesterday was great. Today, not so much. Just in time to need to be normal for the school week again. Wouldn't it be fantastic if I could just keep my thoughts in my head and drown out the noise. Most people talk about gears in the mind turning, but I don't think they really know what that sounds like. Cognition sounds like nothing. Sometimes I wish I were deaf so I wouldn't have to hear anything. But would I still hear my own heart beat? Right now I don't entirely care to hear that either. I would be happy with complete silence and a few Coconut Record songs. Let's see how that works. Cheers.
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